i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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