Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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