When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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