Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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