This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
