You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
