So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
jump out the window naked night went bad
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
