my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
