In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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