I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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