not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize