i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
