Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Vodka?
Forever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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