What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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