shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
