I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
