i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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