It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
