At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
