Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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