So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
