Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
