4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
