I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
