Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize