I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
