so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
