My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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