I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
