My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
