New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
