The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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