NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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