My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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