i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
