Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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