I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
