A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
