I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
