Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
