??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
