where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
