I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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