Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
