On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
