hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
