And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
