Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
