Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
