someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the day after is always just damage control
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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