Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
