You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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