Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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