After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
And then he peed in my hair
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