My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
