i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
