just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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