i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My vagina just recognized that song.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
