your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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