I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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