I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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