I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
