I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
