If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish I only lived at night.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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